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Drowning

I feel, right now, like I’m drowning.  I feel like I’m being pulled under by a huge tidal wave and I’m powerless to escape, leaving me to watch my downfall through horrified eyes.  I wonder why no-one else can see it in my eyes, the panic and fear – the breakdown that feels imminent.  Is it normal to feel this way so often?  To always feel like at any moment the mask of sanity might slip leaving your real face exposed?  What would the whispering voices say then, if I simply let it out and screamed loudly never stopping until I had no voice left with which to vocalise my pain and loneliness?  I see nothing in my eyes, they look dead to me, is this too, normal?  Peering into myself, trying to recognise who looks back at me, trying to regain some sense of familiarity with myself but seeing nothing but blackness and dread.  I had a nightmare once about dead boys, their eyes were dead, you could see the life had been sucked out of their eyes and they looked ahead blankly – buttons shiny and black instead of eyes, that’s how I see my own eyes.  Should that scare me? Continue reading