To my single mums wondering why they can’t catch a break in marriage: Whether you like it or not, a single mum does not have the same appeal as a young single girl (go ahead and complain all you want and then you’ll see its true). This is the way of the world we can’t change it as much as we would love to. The Muslim world works differently to that of the non-Muslim: we have different values and also different cultures, men are looking for fertile wives and youth suggests this.
The problem may be many when trying to find a husband but one thing definitely springs to mind – which is a complaint men make: women are too damn fussy. The funny thing here is that it is firstly true and secondly they do the same. Divorcees are told to settle for anything but male divorcees still have their sights set one that one supermodel to rule them all and won’t back down. Sisters need to remember that though the kind of man they would have wanted when they were 23 may not look at them twice anymore, they also in reality would not look at that type of man anymore. You would find him mainly immature and unable to deal with being a father and cope with the pressures that you so easily vault over. Single mums are like a rare vintage of wine, they have to be appreciated and it’s normally by someone mature. The types of men that want single mums are older men and men looking for another wife.
You can either fight me here and see for yourself I’m right, or take my and many other sisters’ word for it. I understand first wives may not like polygamy but why single mums: you had no man at all and now you can have one so what’s the problem? I think men feel we kid ourselves and that we are living in the clouds and that just like them we need to see our real position in society. We aren’t the desirables or the cream of the crop, we may be the true diamonds but we are not exactly role models are we, except to each other? We have to make do with our situation as does everyone in Islam and live within our means.
Polygamy as I keep saying will at least tell you one thing: he knows how to be a dad and what it means to be a father (I’m talking about the ones who do it right – this is a positive piece of writing not negative!). He will understand why your home sometimes look like a bomb went off in it and also why you’re in a bad mood at times and look messy yourself. He will understand sometimes you just want to K.O the kids and he won’t judge you; he will know what is effective to say to them when they step out of line. A father who handles responsibility will be able to understand a lot of what you go through. The advantage to marrying him over a divorced man is that you can bet your life the divorced man most times still doesn’t know about kids because the women folk of his family raise the kids if not his ex and also insha’Allah the man in a polygamous marriage will bring a lot more positivity to fatherhood as he has no negative experiences of it – i.e. loss of a parent (well that’s my personal opinion).
Sisters you have to ask yourself one question: do you want security or lust? Many mothers want to remarry for the sake of their children having a good role model but kids don’t care about looks or being overly rich. If you chase the insanely good looking, rich 25 year old, never married brother who has no clue as to the deen then don’t wonder why your marriage still un-fulfils you. Truthfully how many great seeming brothers do we turn down because he isn’t good looking enough or rich enough or from the right race? There are some amazing brothers from countries like Nigeria or Somalia or Pakistan or Bangladesh but some UK sisters say no, thinking “I don’t want no freshie”. To be honest you are a freshie to them but they don’t hold that against you. Yes some are after visas but that’s why you take your time and not rush and get to know the brother and make istikharah. If you ask me, The UK is going to crap and many “Muslims” are leaving Islam and becoming like the kuffar and it’s the one’s RETURNING to Islam that are keeping our numbers up. Sister, if you ignore the sincere brother in favour of the brother with a questionable beard but nice eyes, swagger instead of modest walk who avoids looking at women, who has a Ferrari but no eeman then of course you will end up with crap because you turned the good stuff down.
Only when you have given ALL brothers a chance and still find none complain that there are no good men anymore because the chances are the good one who was a bit older and maybe not as good-looking and possibly already married was right under your nose, but you didn’t see him because you were dazzled by the shine of the other guy’s Rolex.