After not having slept for 2 days straight due to my trapped nerve; I awoke on the first day of Ramadan to find out I had missed suhoor. My alarm subhanallah was set to Tuesday. I am still tired, having cramping pains and my 7 year old daughter is whining and the kids have started fighting already. I’m already fed up and the familiar pain in my head is returning so soon. Start as you mean to go on eh?
It’s now late evening and my hand is cramping badly. I just discovered a horrid looking bruise on my arm that I don’t even know how I got and I’m exhausted and weepy. I knew today was going to be tough so I decided to get fresh air. Seeing as I missed my fast and then found out I couldn’t fast anyways, I decided to take the kids to the cinema as they finished school at 12. I thought to myself that this will really be the only treat they can have this summer so I may as well take them.
I excitedly broke the news to them after I collected them but they started whining pretty much straight away. We got home and I had to take a phone call, this made them madder and they started playing up and when I told them we had to take my mum to the hospital they lost it. My son uttered some very mean words to me and angrily I told them the deal was off. The whole way to my mum’s, my son screamed and cried in the car and all the way to the hospital. I begged my mum, on the verge of tears to take him as I just couldn’t cope and I left my daughter with a neighbour.
I kept thinking how this should have been a peaceful time for me, where I was happy and excited about Ramadan, but I felt nothing. I felt empty and depressed. I dread Ramadan because I know I will be shattered and not just physically but mainly mentally. I know I will have the kids all day and they will keep screaming and crying and saying cruel things to me and I will end up doing pretty much the same back. I know my depression will be almost at it’s worst because I am run down and exhausted. I have spent the last 2.5 years in a constant state of agitation, despair and exhaustion waiting for a break down. But most of all I dread Ramadan because I am envious of everyone who is excited about this month and talks about how good they feel and how at peace they feel because I don’t have that feeling and I feel like there is something wrong with me and wonder why it was seemingly denied to me.
I don’t feel peace, I have no motivation, I just hurt…