Drowning

I feel, right now, like I’m drowning.  I feel like I’m being pulled under by a huge tidal wave and I’m powerless to escape, leaving me to watch my downfall through horrified eyes.  I wonder why no-one else can see it in my eyes, the panic and fear – the breakdown that feels imminent.  Is it normal to feel this way so often?  To always feel like at any moment the mask of sanity might slip leaving your real face exposed?  What would the whispering voices say then, if I simply let it out and screamed loudly never stopping until I had no voice left with which to vocalise my pain and loneliness?  I see nothing in my eyes, they look dead to me, is this too, normal?  Peering into myself, trying to recognise who looks back at me, trying to regain some sense of familiarity with myself but seeing nothing but blackness and dread.  I had a nightmare once about dead boys, their eyes were dead, you could see the life had been sucked out of their eyes and they looked ahead blankly – buttons shiny and black instead of eyes, that’s how I see my own eyes.  Should that scare me?

And so I wait.  Patiently wait for the breakdown to come, the only time I have ever demonstrated any patience.  But it does not come, the tidal waves of pain and sorrow and confusion wash over me but no release comes; ah yes, that’s it – that’s what I feverently hope for: release.  The tension builds inside my head until my taut nerves are stretched so thin that I’m weary of a tear; my shoulders hunched over, knotted due to stress which eventually runs down my nerves into my arms spreading the pain into my hand.  I lie in bed restless with the quiet agony in my back due to the physical weight of my stress that no massage has cured.  When this is my natural state of being why do people tell me to relax?

I am weary now, tired of trying but seemingly getting no where, yet I still plough on stubbornly until I myself, even wonder why I bother.  This feeling, of loss and emptiness and of just nothingness never lessens, I feel like there is nothing inside me.  I know who I thought I was but I cant seem to let that side of me come out on display; too stubborn and reserved for my own good, quite happy to cut off my nose to spite my face even when I ache to just let it go and let down my guard.  But I cannot be that person now, I have a reputation of never showing my weak side, of being ‘strong’, of being stressed, sure, but not of being weak and emotional and weepy.  Sadly though, that is exactly who I have become; I cry for no reason and not just cry, my soul hurts with every tear like I’m mourning the death of loved ones.  Is that normal then, also?  To cry hysterically for no reason until you just can’t move and lie curled up on the floor gasping for breath?  To feel so empty inside that you feel like someone has ripped away a part of your soul? And what’s worse, to have no idea as to why you go through this regularly?  Is this just ‘stress’?

We all have our bad days when it rains; but for me, when it rains it pours, thunders and hails.

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3 thoughts on “Drowning

  1. I remember when I was young and my parents had divorced my mom went through a spell like this and I worried a lot for her and for myself. She didnt cry for my father. He certainly wasnt the kindest of people to her. I remember her saying that if she just killed someone she would have been out of prison sooner than their 13 year marriage. She cried because life was hard being alone and being a parent. My father did his best to make it as difficult as possible for her. He said she didnt have anything when they were married and she would have nothing when he left. He spread lies about her around town and tried getting her fired from jobs. She didnt really have too many people to turn to and her family lives in another state. But I am amazed that she like you picked herself up and went on everyday because she had to and because it did matter. I know it may seem trite but I think everything passes with time. Sometimes it may feel like the end of the world but it isnt. You may feel like you are alone but you arent. You may feel weak but you are really strong. Strong for yourself and strong for your children. I think little by little the bad moments get farther apart and the good moments get closer and closser. InshaAllah you will see it soon. I think you can be whatever person you choose to be. Sharing your troubles with others doesnt make you weak. Often we find strength with others.

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  2. Thank you for your kind words and I wish the same for you. . . and you are the one who deserves those words. I really admire the way you are actively reaching out to help others :).

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