I feel, right now, like I’m drowning. I feel like I’m being pulled under by a huge tidal wave and I’m powerless to escape, leaving me to watch my downfall through horrified eyes. I wonder why no-one else can see it in my eyes, the panic and fear – the breakdown that feels imminent. Is it normal to feel this way so often? To always feel like at any moment the mask of sanity might slip leaving your real face exposed? What would the whispering voices say then, if I simply let it out and screamed loudly never stopping until I had no voice left with which to vocalise my pain and loneliness? I see nothing in my eyes, they look dead to me, is this too, normal? Peering into myself, trying to recognise who looks back at me, trying to regain some sense of familiarity with myself but seeing nothing but blackness and dread. I had a nightmare once about dead boys, their eyes were dead, you could see the life had been sucked out of their eyes and they looked ahead blankly – buttons shiny and black instead of eyes, that’s how I see my own eyes. Should that scare me?
And so I wait. Patiently wait for the breakdown to come, the only time I have ever demonstrated any patience. But it does not come, the tidal waves of pain and sorrow and confusion wash over me but no release comes; ah yes, that’s it – that’s what I feverently hope for: release. The tension builds inside my head until my taut nerves are stretched so thin that I’m weary of a tear; my shoulders hunched over, knotted due to stress which eventually runs down my nerves into my arms spreading the pain into my hand. I lie in bed restless with the quiet agony in my back due to the physical weight of my stress that no massage has cured. When this is my natural state of being why do people tell me to relax?
I am weary now, tired of trying but seemingly getting no where, yet I still plough on stubbornly until I myself, even wonder why I bother. This feeling, of loss and emptiness and of just nothingness never lessens, I feel like there is nothing inside me. I know who I thought I was but I cant seem to let that side of me come out on display; too stubborn and reserved for my own good, quite happy to cut off my nose to spite my face even when I ache to just let it go and let down my guard. But I cannot be that person now, I have a reputation of never showing my weak side, of being ‘strong’, of being stressed, sure, but not of being weak and emotional and weepy. Sadly though, that is exactly who I have become; I cry for no reason and not just cry, my soul hurts with every tear like I’m mourning the death of loved ones. Is that normal then, also? To cry hysterically for no reason until you just can’t move and lie curled up on the floor gasping for breath? To feel so empty inside that you feel like someone has ripped away a part of your soul? And what’s worse, to have no idea as to why you go through this regularly? Is this just ‘stress’?
We all have our bad days when it rains; but for me, when it rains it pours, thunders and hails.